He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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