Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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