Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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