Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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