so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
