I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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