wrigley field is MILF paradise
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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