why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
