she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
