honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
