My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
