I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
