your thong is hanging out like whoa
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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