I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
