I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
