Apparently you make a good broom.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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