My first STD was from a foam party
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
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