Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I can't put those talents on a resume
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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