So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize