So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
