I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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