she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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