Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
