My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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