for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
me + whiskey = a bad person
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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