I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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