You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
