I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
