i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
