dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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