It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
