as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
