Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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