i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
