He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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