Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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