I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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