i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
