I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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