i may or may not be watching the land before time
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
