apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
