If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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