i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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