this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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