My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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