if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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