Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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