The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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