He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
