Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
