mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
