bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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