i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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