I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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