My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
