I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
