Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
