tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
