I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
